Cutting Chai with Arun Krishnan - Opinions

Recently, I read a New York Times opinion piece that said of the economic stimulus package: “Eighty percent of the benefits from the capital gains tax cuts would go to the top 2 percent of households.”

The taps in my bathroom are malfunctioning, and my dog has a cold. I can tell that I am not in the top two percent of the population. I get concerned and immediately want to speak to the President about my economic situation.

Through the ads on TV, I know the President is more accessible than an escort at a 1.900 number. So I call.

“Hello,” I say politely.

“Is it 3:00 a.m.?” a groggy voice answers.

“No,” I reply puzzled. “Why would it be?”

“Then, why are you calling me?”

I am a man who believes in cutting to the chase.

“I want to talk about my economic situation.”

“Please call me at 3:00 a.m.”

I keenly discern that the voice on the other end keeps repeating the same thing. But judging by its highly irritable tone, I can tell that it is not a recording. Only people that are real can cough and spit between words with such vehemence.

“I can’t call you at 3:00 a.m.” I protest.

“Why not?”

It is a reasonable question, to which I want to provide an answer.

“I am normally asleep at this time,” I answer honestly.

There is a hushed silence on the other end. I fear I must explain my erratic sleeping habits more clearly to the President.

“You see, I work at an office between 9 a.m to 5. p.m., ” I say. “But on most days, my boss makes me work longer than that.”

My mood darkens, but I continue gamely, “So by the time I get home, it is already 7:30 p.m. Then I have to cook dinner. This normally takes till 8:15 p.m.”

I want to explain that mincing garlic is getting more difficult as I get older, but I decide to stick to the subject at hand.

“I don’t have a family, but I watch other families on TV. This normally takes till 11:30p.m. or so. Then, come the infomercials, flossing and light reading. So, as you can see, it is already 12:00a.m. before I get to sleep. That is why I am normally asleep at 3:00. a.m.”

“Are you done?” the President asks irritably.

“Yes…,”I begin to say.

“Why can’t you be like other people,” the President asks. “Like the folks who are awake at 3:00 a.m. and want to speak of the situation in Iran or the housing foreclosures in their city ?”

“I am like other people,” I say.

“So most Americans are asleep at 3:00?” the President asks incredulously.

“Yes,” I say. “Except for my soft-spoken neighbor who sells parsley in small plastic bags throughout the night, most people I know are asleep at 3:00 a.m.”

“This is a problem…”the President says.

I wait for the President to continue.

“I promised voters to be awake at 3:00 a.m. to talk about…you know…stuff. And if I am awake all night…”

“You need to sleep during the day,” I chip in.

I know how it goes. Like most weak-willed men, I have sat through all-night Beavis & Butthead reruns.

“Yes…” the President says ruefully.

I am a magnanimous man. Even though I am the one who called with a problem, I am ready to offer a solution.

“You should speak to my cousin J…in India,” I say. “When it is daytime in the US, it is night in India. That is when J…starts the working day. When people call you in the day, they can get transferred to J.., who will handle all your calls.”

“But is J…any good?” asks the President.

“Sure,” I say, “J… can do Australian, American, French and English accents. Sometimes all in the same sentence. Imagine how close the other world leaders will feel to you. Birds of a feather and all that.”

“Sounds good…” the President says, trailing off with a yawn.

“You get right back to sleep,” I say concerned. “I will set my alarm and call you at 3:00 a.m. If I can’t wake up at 3:00, I will call J…tomorrow to discuss my economic situation. I really need to talk about it.”

It is true. I really do.