Fiction

The Amazon category topping "Ganesha Solves a Problem"children's books, and a thriller published by Harper Black (English) and Asphalte Editions (French).

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Technology Writing

A sample of my work for companies like Amazon and IBM, and publications like the Guardian and The Huffington Post.

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Running Tip

Stand upright. Put your left foot in front of the right foot. Put your right foot in front of your left foot

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The perfect two-word dating profile

From the diary of Jane Densmore, dating coach for men in Seattle.

“I’d like for you to write me a Tinder profile,” the engineer says.

“Of course,” I smile. “Tell me about some of your accomplishments.”

“Well, I worked on the Amazon BASE-large model,” he says.

I sit up.

“Wait, the one with 980 million parameters?”

“That’s the one,” he says.

“Most women in Seattle will only date men that have worked on models with at least 1.5 billion parameters. That’s the bare minimum. Anything lower than that, and you’re going to find it impossible to get dates.”

“But our model is not a language model,” he says. “It’s a text-to-speech model, and it’s really impressive. We’ve trained it  on over 100 hundred million hours…”

“Spare me the disclaimers,” I say, raising my hands. “Sure, we can add the BASE-large model to your profile. But that won’t be enough. We have to do more.”

I snap my fingers. My assistant materializes efficiently.

“Get this man a photo with our golden retriever. And post it on his Tinder profile.”

*****************

My second client rocks a J-Crew hoodie, and pair of black slim fit jeans. 

“What do you want to highlight on your profile?” I ask. 

“I was the lead data scientist for Google Gemma…,” he begins.

I put up my hand to get him to stop talking. I want to say something that has been building in the angry heart of every woman in Seattle.

“What the f…” I begin.

I take a deep breath. This is my client, I remind myself. I have to be calm and professional. 

“Bard. Gemini. Gemini Plus. Gemini Pro. Gemma. What’s going on at Google? We have very busy lives you know. Women can’t go around spending time memorizing a new name every time you guys build a new model.”

He looks at me with sad eyes, like a dog that has been caught stealing food, and I feel bad for him. 

I snap my fingers again to summon my assistant.

“His profile will need a massive facelift.”

“Shall we click a photo of him with our golden retriever?”

“Not the golden retriever,” I say. “We’ve got to amp this one up big time.  Let’s go for the dog with the wheels.”

*************

My final meeting is another with a bearded man. He slips a paper across the desk. 

“I’ve already written my dating profile,” he says. “Do you think it needs edits?”

I give it a superficial glance.

“It’s got only two words,” I say. 

Who does this guy think he is? I’ve never heard of any man ever getting a woman’s interest with a two word profile. What an arrogant jerk. It’s going to be hard to get this guy any dates. 

I then look at the two words. I feel my skin growing warm. My cheeks glow red hot. My chest tightens, and I find it hard to breathe. I jump when my cell phone vibrates in my lap.

It’s my husband. My loving sweet husband of twenty three years. A wonderful father to my three children. How do I tell him that it’s all over? How do I tell him I’ve met my dream man…the man sitting in front of me?

“Jane?” my client says. 

His voice snaps me back to reality. What was I thinking? I can’t leave my husband for this dream man. He’s at least fifteen years younger than me. Let some other lucky woman have him.

When I slide the paper back, my hands are trembling as I think of the steep rise in the company’s stock price. 

“NIVIDIA ENGINEER is enough,” I say. “That’s all the words that your profile will ever need.”